For the past few weeks I’ve been dying to write, to express what I have been feeling, however I haven’t had the time, or maybe, maybe I was scared. Either way, as I listen to this 8tracks playlist all curled up in my bed, I realized that I am finally ready to say what I’ve had such a strong desire to share.
Now, I know no one may read this, let alone care about what I have to say, but I’ve had quite a few realizations recently and I just hope to pass them down to whoever reads my personal blog. That’s really why I’ve been blogging since middle school, I want to inspire others to make changes in their lives that maybe I’m too afraid to make or to pass on whatever knowledge I’ve gained to whoever is willing to listen. But I guess that’s what we all really want – to save others from making the same mistakes we’ve already made, or at the very least, to help others heal after they made an all too familiar mistake.
That’s all beside the point though.
I’ve been doing a great deal of reflecting over the past few weeks. To put what I’ve realized in the simplest – and most cliché – of terms is that everything has changed.
Best friends became strangers. Dreams turned into lost hopes. Back up plans shifted to the forefront. Goals fell to the wayside.
Nothing is going according to plan. I mean, I graduated from college back in May – as I was supposed to – but after that, everything just started to come apart at the seams. How I dreamed for post-grad life to be is not how it is shaping up at all.
I’ve settled in so many aspects of my life – why? Because once one aspect started to go awry, I feared the rest would as well. So now, I’m stuck. The things that I thought would never happen have begun to.
Even though I’ve grown so much since May – I mean, the girl who walked across that stage is nowhere to be found – there’s still plenty about myself and my life that I wish were different. And I know that no matter how much I “wish,” nothing will change until I “do.”
It’s hard to “do” though when it seems that no matter how hard you try, what you want is not going to pan out. But that’s just life. Life is rough, challenging, and never ever what you expect it to be. In between throwing curveballs, life is tripping you up in other ways too. Everything could be going swell, but then that other shoe finally drops and you’re left wondering, “What the hell did I do to deserve this.”
I know you’re questioning this post now – I thought she said she had new life lessons to pass on – well don’t worry, the time has finally come to do that.
While I’ve been left wondering since graduation, “What the hell did I do to deserve this,” I’ve realized that there’s another way to view that question. Instead of thinking about what I did to deserve this, I need to focus on what I didn’t do.
Let me explain with an example from over the past seven months.
My best friend bailed on me in August without a word. I discovered through an Instagram post that we were no longer best friends, let alone friends (or even acquaintances for that matter). Immediately I ran down a list of shit in my head I possibly could have done to make her hate me, to make her despise me so much as to not even talk to me about ending the friendship.
I was hurt, devastated actually. I cried myself to sleep the rest of that week as I felt weak and incapable of trusting anyone ever again. That question, “What the hell did I do to deserve this,” just kept swirling inside my mind.
It took a few weeks, and a talk with my therapist, for me to realize that while I made a few mistakes at the beginning of the summer, I didn’t do anything warranting that kind of behavior. I constantly tried my best, always made an effort, and never gave up on the friendship. But the friendship still ended so badly, why? Well, I’ll never know to be blunt. But what I do know is that it’s not because of bad karma or a lack of trying on my end. By looking at what I didn’t do – act maliciously, make zero effort, quit – it clicked for me that I needed to stop thinking, “What the hell did I do to deserve this.”
Days, weeks, and months have all gone by. And while I wish I could sit here and tell you it still doesn’t hurt, that would be a total lie. I may not miss her or want to be friends with her, but a memory will come to mind and I’ll miss the laughs and the fun we shared.
I’m hoping that example helped explain what I mean a bit by focusing on what you didn’t do. If you only focus on what you did do, you’ll just make the most minute of actions seem incredibly impactful and important, when in reality, they aren’t.
And while my life isn’t going according to plan, there’s still plenty to appreciate and be thankful for. The biggest thing for me is that I haven’t let my life going off track drag me back to that suicidal downward spiral. For that, I am proud of myself. No matter how much certain aspects of my life may be in the shits, if I’m not contemplating hurting myself, then I know I can make it through this.
That’s another piece of knowledge I’ve gained since graduation – you are capable of more than you could ever imagine, thus you can make it through anything. Someone once told me: “Tough times don’t last, tough people do.” Always remember that. No matter how dark, frustrating, or confusing life may be, it’s constantly changing and can get better at any moment, so just hold on and have hope.
Sorry for the essay of a post, I apparently had more to say than I realized.
And I guess all I really wanted you to gain from reading this is that you can’t – as the photo at the beginning of this post tells you – let the bastards get you down.